The last couple days I haven’t been able to get Europe off my mind. These thoughts come in like rushing waters. For real. I don’t necessarily want these thoughts coming in, but they are, welcome or not. They are here. Justin asked me the other day to say the first word that came to mind after he said a word. He said the name of a European city and I replied so quickly, “LIVE.” What does that mean!?!?
I can feel God tearing down ideas and thoughts and dreams that I (!!!) have made. I can feel Him softening my heart again. I think I became quite cynical in my time in Europe and although I experienced a lot of growth, I think that I found TOO MUCH of myself. I am happy to finally feel like I know who I am, know what I like and don’t like, etc, but I think I may have gone to an extreme and became a bit selfish.
So back to Europe. When we came back I was so done with ministry. So done with Europe. Ready to just be a normal American (well, not normal…yuck!), but to at least live in a way that was familiar. Surprisingly (or not), I have not found this to be all I thought it would be. I am still not living close to my family (my side anyways) and I feel like I am just fluttering around. Sort of like I felt in Paris. However, I am convinced that this is right where we are supposed to be right now. I can sense God is beginning to stir up something in us. I don’t know what that means or if Europe is in the picture with all of this. What I do know is that I can’t get it out of my mind.
Justin and I went to two different churches today. The first one there was a pastor from Uganda speaking. The thing that stood out to me the most was how a lot of Christians will hear God telling them to do something and they respond with, “I will pray about that.” And actually, with that response, instead of getting up and doing it, they “disobey” what God is telling them to do by using an excuse of prayer.
The other church we went to tonight, the pastor spoke all on why the world needs missionaries. Hmmmm. Is God telling me something here? Anyways, it was just weird.
I woke up today thinking of a certain European city and it brought back an excitement and love for Europe that I think I had pushed away. “Somebody else can do it.” That’s what I have been telling myself. Well, can they? Will they? I don’t know. What I do know is that there is a HUGE population of people that haven’t truly experienced God’s grace and love… and I am willing to go. Scary. Sort of brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. Maybe I need to go have a good cry! 🙂