Maisie has been a nightmare to put to sleep lately. It might be because she has been sick. I don’t know. What I do know is that I was getting really frustrated with spending (wasting) so much time trying to get her to sleep. Rocking and rocking and rocking and I can’t even get her to close her eyes! Some nights I don’t mind and I take advantage of the rocking that will soon be no more. Other nights, I just want some time to myself.
Anyways, I decided that during these times of trying to get her to sleep, I would spend it talking with God. I have actually been looking forward to putting Maisie down a bit more these days. If I am honest with myself (and you!), the truth is that I haven’t spent much time talking to God lately. I actually have been pretty upset with him I think. Our “ministry” in Paris was very frustrating in some aspects. Actually, almost every ministry we have been a part of has a great amount of frustration, but Paris has left some deep wounds. I guess it is because people are only human and we are messy people! But because of these frustrations, I felt like I was DONE with ministry. I was tired of being hurt by other Christians (not that I have never hurt anyone). I was tired of being judged by other Christians (again, I am to blame for this as well!). I was tired of feeling obligated to serve and wondered if I even really would go to church or host a home group if it weren’t for the fact that I did it as a living. So with all that to say, I was frustrated at God. I took out my hurt on him. I didn’t really look at things in a logical way at all. I was blaming God for people being people. And I am definitely a person who is messy as well!
Justin and I have been living in the basement of our friends house. They are two of the most generous and wise people I know and I think God absolutely had a plan in putting us here! I feel a closeness to God here. When I go upstairs to borrow something from the kitchen I will run into Carol and honestly, it is like having a little chat with Jesus. I know that sounds weird, but it is very evident that Jesus lives in her and he just spills out of her in her conversations with me. I am so thankful for that.
So even though I titled this post “Mad at God.” I am not. I am learning to love God through the hard times. I am learning that I still want to be in ministry. That just because my experiences have not been so healthy in ministry, does not mean that I should give up hope. It means that there is all the more reason to be in ministry! I don’t know. These are just some thoughts right now that I have been thinking about in my times of talking with God. It is amazing how much closer I feel to God, just in my few minutes of talking with him in the evenings. I guess I can thank Maisie for being a pain to put to bed.