Mad At God.

Maisie has been a nightmare to put to sleep lately. It might be because she has been sick. I don’t know. What I do know is that I was getting really frustrated with spending (wasting) so much time trying to get her to sleep. Rocking and rocking and rocking and I can’t even get her to close her eyes! Some nights I don’t mind and I take advantage of the rocking that will soon be no more. Other nights, I just want some time to myself.

Anyways, I decided that during these times of trying to get her to sleep, I would spend it talking with God. I have actually been looking forward to putting Maisie down a bit more these days. If I am honest with myself (and you!), the truth is that I haven’t spent much time talking to God lately. I actually have been pretty upset with him I think. Our “ministry” in Paris was very frustrating in some aspects. Actually, almost every ministry we have been a part of has a great amount of frustration, but Paris has left some deep wounds. I guess it is because people are only human and we are messy people! But because of these frustrations, I felt like I was DONE with ministry. I was tired of being hurt by other Christians (not that I have never hurt anyone). I was tired of being judged by other Christians (again, I am to blame for this as well!). I was tired of feeling obligated to serve and wondered if I even really would go to church or host a home group if it weren’t for the fact that I did it as a living. So with all that to say, I was frustrated at God. I took out my hurt on him. I didn’t really look at things in a logical way at all. I was blaming God for people being people. And I am definitely a person who is messy as well!

Justin and I have been living in the basement of our friends house. They are two of the most generous and wise people I know and I think God absolutely had a plan in putting us here! I feel a closeness to God here. When I go upstairs to borrow something from the kitchen I will run into Carol and honestly, it is like having a little chat with Jesus. I know that sounds weird, but it is very evident that Jesus lives in her and he just spills out of her in her conversations with me. I am so thankful for that.

So even though I titled this post “Mad at God.” I am not. I am learning to love God through the hard times. I am learning that I still want to be in ministry. That just because my experiences have not been so healthy in ministry, does not mean that I should give up hope. It means that there is all the more reason to be in ministry! I don’t know. These are just some thoughts right now that I have been thinking about in my times of talking with God. It is amazing how much closer I feel to God, just in my few minutes of talking with him in the evenings. I guess I can thank Maisie for being a pain to put to bed.


  1. Jen on March 17, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    Jen, I so appreciate your honesty and the way you are always so transparent in a lot of your entries. I can understand where you are at, and some of your thoughts as I have struggled with those same thoughts. I will pray for continued peace and for more little encounters with Jesus through the lady who lives upstairs! =)

  2. just somebody on March 17, 2008 at 9:52 pm

    I don’t know you, but I just wanted to say thank you for this post as it speaks to me. It’s exactly what I needed to hear tonight…really I think I’ve needed to hear it for a while now. Anyhow, thank you.

  3. Diane on March 17, 2008 at 10:55 pm

    Hi Jen,
    I appreciate your honesty also. I’m sorry that Maisie is still not feeling well.
    Take care and she will sleep again……promise. 🙂

  4. Katie on March 18, 2008 at 8:50 am

    Hi Jen,
    I often read your blog – I found Justin’s one day through some random missionary link though another link.. . I just wanted to say I appreciate your transparency. I think you expressed a lot of truth in you post. Ministry can be really hard, and sometimes people are very messy. Glad to hear you are drawing close to God. Thanks for letting me peak in on your life. Katie (In Maryland)

  5. Bandna on March 18, 2008 at 10:47 pm

    Oh Jen in the voice… this is why I love you! You made God and have always made him so real to me not like life is always dandy God but things suck I dont want to talk to you kinda God!

  6. Jeremy B on March 22, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    Thanks for being honest. Justin shared some of the struggles you went through in France and I am glad you can be honest about your feelings. It seems ministry there was hard and I know now is a time of healing and learning through that. I am praying for both of you that God is able to use this and grow both of you through it.

  7. apriltgc on March 28, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    not to at all take away from your time talking to God, because I think that is the best thing to do while rocking your baby to sleep, BUT on those “other” days, nothing got me through the tough sleep times like a few great podcasts (this american life for example) on my ipod 😀

  8. Melissa on May 9, 2008 at 8:12 am

    What a great site. I agree that building a relationship with God in anyway that you can is vital. Daily Devotionals are a great way for a busy mom like myself to keep a peace of mind.

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