Some ramblings from my heart
I just want to be settled somewhere. We have been “on the road” since the end of August. We have been living out of a suitcase for that long, over three and a half months. I feel very unsettled. We don’t know what our future looks like and it is a bit unnerving. All we know is that we will be in Portland for a year. After that? We have no clue. We are waiting to hear from God. Waiting for some BIG sign or answer. Waiting for peace. Waiting for unity. Waiting. Lots of waiting. Reminds me of when I was waiting for Maisie, but she took her sweet time. Two weeks late is REALLY late for a huge pregnant woman! I feel like things are taking their sweet time right now. Justin and I have different feelings about the future, but I have complete faith that we will eventually feel the same. It is weird not to have such different feelings of what our future may look like. We still love each other and respect each other, but have to work out this future stuff. Speaking of future, we have realized that we are so in the future that we aren’t really in the now. We are trying so hard to figure out what is next that we haven’t even processed the past. I am looking forward to this year of waiting in Portland so that we can REST. I know we will be working with CAI still and Justin is even going to get another part time job, but I am also hoping and praying it will be a time that we can catch our breath. A time to focus on our marriage and family. A time to connect with God in a new and fresh way. I am mostly looking forward to having a space of our own to live in.
On the other hand, I am going to miss living with my mom and Kylie. It actually hurts pretty deeply to think that I am going to take my little Maisie away from her grandma and aunt. She loves them so much. Kylie always makes Maisie laugh and just crack up! My mom knows how to cuddle Maisie and nurture her like only my mom could. Oh yeah, she also will make a complete fool out of herself just to get a smile from Maisie. They have an amazing bond and I am so sad to take that away. I know it isn’t me taking it away, but in a way, it is. I am her mom and this is the life that I am giving her. I also know she is only one year old, but this is a super formative time for her. I just hope she is so blessed to be around so many people who love her so much, even if it is in bits and pieces.
So there are some ramblings from my heart.
You know honey, it’s so strange, because as small as my place is, and as many of us as there are, it just doesn’t seem all that crowded. I’m stuffing down the grief that is inevitable when you leave. People say, “well, at least it’s not in Europe…”, but somehow that makes it even a bit more difficult. I guess the thought that you three will be closer, but living life with other people makes me a tad envious (in a godly way of course :-). I have loved my time with you and cherish the way that Maisie and I have been able to bond… It is a precious and unforgettable time of my life. I love you deeply.
Oh Jen, I feel so selfish that I am jumping for joy that you will be close when I know this must be so hard for you! I’ll be praying for you! You are such a good wife and mom and I know God will totally use this time for you and Justin and Maisie to grow and be more in love with each other and Him. Can’t wait to see you SOON! 🙂
Just as I pray that we will know soon enough what OUR future holds…I am praying that you both will too. (and selfishly praying that our lives will from now on be intermingled FOOOOREVER). Unless of course, God wills otherwise, (which me and the big guy had a little talk the other day…and, well, lets just say that….actually we didn’t have a little talk. I just thought it sounded good. But then I was a bit fearful after writing that, because I remembered how BIG he is…and how little I am.) I guess whatever he wills is fine…as long as it’s not living away from you anymore. tee hee.
I too feel selfish…what is it about us Portlanders? Wrapped up in what we want for you I guess 🙂 Anyway, I am so excited that we will have at least a year together. I guess if I can have that time with you guys then maybe I will be ready to share you with someone else when the time comes for you to move on…and if I have learned one thing about you it is that you are the “moving on” type! So come, rest, reflect, relax, and God will send you on your way when the time and place is right. Can’t wait for you to get here…Game Night Friday-wanna come? Travel safe. xoxoxo
Oh, and tell your mom that my kids have the greatest relationship with their “long distance” grandma…she just has to wait until Maisie can talk on the phone and color pictures, then it gets really good!